


It may have stolen my soul, but you stole my heart

by Purplehuntress3



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Fjord (Critical Role) Has Issues, M/M, Past Relationships, reflection on past, spoilers for episode 31
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 07:07:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15769086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purplehuntress3/pseuds/Purplehuntress3
Summary: What he truly wanted, he could never truly have.Fjord reminisces on the past.





	It may have stolen my soul, but you stole my heart

**Author's Note:**

> i was on the widofjord discord and this got a bit out of hand. so here have a fic with no evidence to back it up because i like this theory.
> 
> also unbeta'd because its 1am

“Yo Fjord, it’s your turn for watch.” Beau said as she shook him awake.

 

Though the dome was pretty protective and prevented anyone from getting in, they’d all agreed that one person should stay on watch, just to keep an eye on what was going on outside. Fjord had agreed to take a watch every night on their way to Nicodranas, as these past couple of nights he had struggled to sleep anyway. No point more people being up than necessary.

 

He made his way from the centre of the dome to the edge of it, sitting close enough that when he sat the tips of his hair grazed against it as he stared out into the dark. The rocky mountain pass had many dangers, and he listened out for every one.

 

Time passed slowly, the moon taking her sweet time as she drifted across the sky. Eventually by the time Fjord’s watch had ended he had counted every rock, flower, and moss patch he could see from his spot. He stood, crouching so he wouldn’t leave the dome, and made his way to Caleb to wake him up for his watch. The man was curled up around Nott, who had her head nestled into his chest, and between them he could just make out Frumpkin’s tail swishing back and forth in his sleep. Fjord reached out to wake Caleb when he heard him mumble something. He leaned closer, ready to wake the man if it was another nightmare, but the words were soft. The tone was caring, and though Fjord knew very little Zemnian there was no question what Caleb was saying.

 

_I love you._

 

Whatever dream Caleb was having, it was a peaceful one. The man’s face was peaceful and without worry, something Fjord thought was not possible. Caleb looked half his age in his sleep and seeing how calm he was, Fjord could not wake him. How often did Caleb sleep peacefully? So he turned and went to continue the watch.

 

_I love you._

 

Fjord had heard it spoken between many different people in a multitude of languages. It’s just one of those things you pick up while sailing- along with “two cheap ales please” and “sorry about my friend.”

 

Sabien had said it in Zemnian once, badly if he were to be honest. They were 16 and hidden in a unused room in an inn. They had snuck in through a window of the shitty room the inn could offer, and the inn itself was not popular, so they knew for now they were safe. They’d latched the door and stuck a chair underneath the doorknob, before curling up in bed. By this age Fjord had finally surpassed Sabien in height- “only by an inch!” “and a glorious inch it is!”- so he was curled around his- his-

 

His boyfriend.

 

Because that was what they were. Always had been, before they even knew what it meant. 9 years old and huddled for warmth in a back alley, hiding from the guards. Fjord had overheard one of the older girls on the street use it. “We’re boyfriends right?” He’d asked Sabien. His voice was muffled, a mix of his face buried into the other boys chest and the fact his mouth was still full of gauze after his most recent meeting with a pair of pliers. Sabien tilted his head to his side, before nodding fiercely. “Boyfriends for life.” even when they learnt what the word meant they did not stop saying it.

 

There were so many “I love you”’s. Whispered before a job, mumbled in the morning, passionately beneath the sheets.

 

Pressed against his lips, as the snuck aboard Vandren’s ship.

 

They had been 19, and it was too dangerous to stay on the streets of Port Damali. Neither of them could find honest work, and the less than honest work they could find had left them scarred and hurt. The last job they had taken had lost Sabien his right eye, the scar jagged and harsh from the dagger and Fjord’s poor stitching. ( _his hands shaking so much that Sabien had pulled them away, kissed each knuckle. “I know it looks bad, but I need you to stitch up the wound around the eye Fjord. You can do this.)_

 

It took them 3 days to pick a good ship. It had been in port for a while and they’d heard the crew call out that they’d leave soon with the tides. If they got on a ship soon to be leaving, then they might not be found until they’re at sea, and if that happened, they would have to take them to their next stop. ( _“or throw us overboard.” he pointed out, but Sabien had shushed him “It’ll be fine, and then we can start a new life. Somewhere new.” He leaned up, and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “We’ll start small, working in bars or something, but i’ll rise up. Maybe be a politician or something… what do you want Fjord?” Fjord reached up and cupped his face. “I want you.” he said as he kissed him. “Well you already have that.” Sabien murmured against his lips.)_

 

The smuggled themselves in through the canon holes, making their way to the bottom of the ship. A large cargo crate only half full of fruit was slightly open, so the two hid in there, closing the lid behind them.

 

Living off the slowly rotting fruit, the two survived 2 days before being found. They were gagged, bound, and dragged before the captain.

 

Vandren was a man in his late 40’s, long salt and pepper hair brought back in dreads and braids. He had dark weathered skin and hundreds of scars over his face and arms, as well as a deep blue kraken tattoo on his right arm. He stood tall over the two of them, scowling down. Sabien had his head held high, looking right at VAndren with his one good eye, whereas Fjord was curled in on himself. He didn’t like to look threatening.

 

The captain knelt in front of Fjord, roughly removing the gag from his mouth and causing Fjord to whimper. Sabien reacted to his sound of pain by trying to get to him, but Vandren waved his hand and he was stopped in his tracks.

 

“How old are you boy?” the man’s voice was cracked and rough, to many years of sea air and bad food rations ruining his voice box. As he spoke his lip curled up to show many gold teeth.

 

“N-n-n nineteen sir.” he stuttered out, struggling to find his voice as the Captain stared down at him.

 

“Where are you from?”

 

“Port- Port Damali.” he said, quickly adding a quick “sir” to the end before he forgot. He’s seen what happened when people didn’t respect their elders.

 

The man sighed, gently grasping Fjord’s chin, “who’s he?” he asked, and nodded towards Sabien.

 

With the slight show of kindness, Fjord felt his confidence grow, and he looked Vandren in the eye. “He’s my boyfriend, sir.”

 

Vandren gave out a short laugh, looking between the two of them. “What, you running away together? How quaint.”

 

“Running away implies we had something to run from.” Fjord held his chin up, staring down Vandren. Fjord would take a lot of shit, his years on the streets taught him that shut up, sit down, hide away from sight was best for him. But no one talked shit about Sabien. After everything he’d done for Fjord. He knew Sabien was smiling even though he didn’t look.

 

When Vandren looked at him again, it was with a strange look Fjord did not recognise at the time. He first pinned it down to pity, but there was something about it that told him he was wrong. He later realised the look was empathy.

 

Vandren stood, and took both young men in. Looked them up and down before he nodded to himself. “How would the two of you like a job?”

 

During the first few months under Vandren, nothing really changed. They both filled out a bit from the constant meals, and Sabien had been working the rigging so he had been getting stronger. They shared a large room with multiple other deck hands, but the bed was just big enough for the two to fit side by side. However the other people in the room prevented more… fun night time activities. Though they were part of the ship, their loyalty to each other surpassed their loyalty to the ship.

 

About 5 months after they left Port Damali, Vandren started spending more time with Fjord. Inviting him in to talk about important cargos and jobs, teaching him basic things that he never needed on the streets ( _“what do you mean you’ve never learnt to read?” he had asked one day, before dragging him to his desk and slowly teaching him.)._ A few of the other crewmates mentioned something about Vandren grooming him into being the next Captain, which he found ridiculous.

 

And so did Sabien.

 

He had said so as much one night, in their new private quarters (and how happy they were when Vandren gave them it, and how sore they were the day after). Curled up in bed he cursed Vandren, said he was blind to Sabien’s own potential. The moment he had said it he’d apologised, said he didn’t mean it, that he was so proud of him, Fjord could hear the jealousy that tainted the words.

 

A rift grew between them then. Not large, but it was obvious they now had other loyalties as well as the one to each other. And as Fjord rose higher and higher in the ranks, Sabien stayed at the bottom.

 

( _“Why?” Fjord had asked Vandren one day. “Sabien has plenty of potential if you just-”_

 

_“No,” Vandren said with a shake of his head, “he has ambitions. You’re the one with potential.”)_

 

The rift continued to grow for years, till they barely talked to each other. Just crawling into bed late at night while the other is (probably faking) sleeping, curling up around each other like they were still young. Still on the streets and hiding from everything.

 

The night of the explosion had been different.

 

Sabien had come to find Fjord just after dinner, pulling him back to their rooms, pushing him onto their bed. After months of nothing, he pressed kiss after kiss into Fjord’s skin. Apologies and I Love You’s whispered between them. They had kissed and fallen asleep in each others arms for the first time in months. Fjord thought this was the first step to the two of them getting back on track.

 

Obviously not.

 

There is betrayal, he had felt that on the ship, on the streets. There is being stabbed in the back- both literally and metaphorically. And then there is watching Sabien jump of the side of the ship as the explosion ripped apart his back. His back healed… his heart did not.

 

“You did not wake me when you were supposed to.”

 

The sound of Caleb’s voice jolted him from his thoughts, and as he looked up at the sky he realised very little time had passed.

 

“My apologies,” he said, his voice tripping for a second as he held onto the right accent, “I got lost in my own thoughts for a second there.”

 

“Obviously.” He said, glancing down at his lap, and as Fjord followed his eyes he noticed he had at some point summound the Falchion. He quickly dismissed it, but he felt a tingle as he did. Like a hand grasping his chin.

 

Caleb walked forward and placed his hand on his shoulder. “Go to sleep Fjord. It is my turn on watch.” Fjord stood, knowing Caleb would not take no for an answer, and gathered his things. He nodded and walked to where he had been sleeping before his watch. He watched as Caleb got himself settled in, snapping his fingers and gathering Frumpkin in his arms before he stared out into the dark.

 

Just like Caleb, Fjord spent the night dreaming of past _I Love You’s_

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated <3


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